Obviously I’m a fan of 80’s horror if you have not figured that out by now. Everyone talks about the fashion styles, music and of course the Cold War but since I was a kid growing up in the 80’s what I remember are the great horror movies that influenced me so much. I’m in a creative field for my day job so watching all this cheesy stuff growing up was great.

This time around we will talk about a movie that is super influenced by that period so much so you’d think that the movie was filmed in the 80’s. Let’s talk The Convent

I found out about this movie from my Art Director and one of my Sr. Artists at work so I had to check it out. The movie starts out with a bang as a hardcore chick enters a church and kicks some ass right from the start which is explained later. You can tell right away you are in for a good time with the low end graphics and camera angles.

The opening shot takes place in 1960 so from there we flash forward to modern day with the classic story of kids doing “the POT” and drinking adult beverages with some pre-martial sex!! What is this world coming to!! It’s a classic story of college kids trying to do all these illegal acts of the law at the local hang out which is The Convent. On the way to the convent they pass a house which is “the local crazy lady” who is the town legend of…..well being crazy I guess. She is the lady who shut down the convent for her acts of terror (she is the lady in the opening sequence but I don’t want to spoil it for you).

And that boys and girls is about it. The rest is classic 80’s…turns out the place is haunted, people are trying to concur evil spirits with virgin sacrifice, having sex before marriage is bad and leads to death by gore and just about anything else you can think of.

The group is stuck in the convent and is trying to get help before evil spirits escape and kill everyone. I will say the movie starts a little slow but really picks up speed about 1/4 way through and it is fun gore and fun. The dialog is so spot on for a movie like this. Some real winners are “You know Karate? ‘Cuz that ass is kickin’!” and a personal favorite of mine “I’m gonna lock your ass up so tight they’re gonna need a combination to visit your nuts….white boy” which is delivered by none other than Coolio!!

Once the flood gates open the fun really kicks in and I have not even talked about the best part of all this….Adrienne fucking Barbeau. If you grew up watching Swamp Thing or Creepshow then you are familiar with her work. She is the final part of the equation to make the feel of an 80’s movie. She comes in and wraps up this flick with some shotgun justice!!

This is a really really fun movie and if you are having a movie watching night I would recommend this as a warm up to your main event. There are great moments and dialog that will have you throwing your hands up with laughter. The Convent gets 4 out of 5 tuxedo footballs

So as a few of you might know I am in the comic strip Hijinks Ensue and although we have not done it in a long time, I also do the Hijinks Ensue Podcast with creator Joel Watson.

In Episode 10 of the Podcast we talk about various things but the one topic that was brought up was the movie Undefeatable. This is entry is about the history of that movie.

So when we were going to get together for the Podcast I thought of an idea and what was really a social experiment.  The idea was to take one of my shitty movies and send it to a listener but after watching the movie it would need to be sent to the next person on the list.  I wanted to see how far this would travel and if it would make it back.  Honestly I did not expect the movies back.  The movies were some of the first watched as a collective group that watched bad movies on a regular basis.  Part of the catch was that the movie was a VHS tape.  I wanted to add to the experiment by seeing who would still have a VCR player to even watch this.  Well the list was created and the video was sent out.  Star Date: May 2008

Here is the thread on this whole experiment

Let’s talk a little bit about the movies shall we.  I won’t do a full review because it was about two years ago when I saw them.  The first one is Undefeatable which has what some call “worst fight scene ever filmed” which I would say “most AWESOME fight scene ever” but that’s just me.  The movie is an 80’s style action movie starring Cynthia Rothrock which was made in 1994.  Basically she’s a bad ass and some bad dude mess with her family and she kicks their asses in their ass.  I would post the video of the fight at the ending but honestly if you want to really enjoy the flick for a movie night save it until then.  It will be worth the wait!!

Robo Vampire was the other movie sent out. Again I won’t do a review this time around just because this was also about two years ago when we last saw it. Just have a look at the cover…doesn’t that tell you enough? Now sadly RoboCop is not in the movie and neither is that sweet gun he is holding. It was a fun flick because when you see how NOT close to looking like RoboCop they came you will laugh to tears. You will also see the zombies of the East and their stranger belief of how they look. Zombies that bunny hop…..that’s all you need to know.

So those movies went out about May of 2008.
So let’s turn our clock to present day. After being out at sea for a little over two years the movies have returned home to the mothership. The movies came back with some gifts as the last person felt bad for taking a little longer than expected to ship the movies out. We got the movies back with another movie that was added. There was also a few potato chips native to the Kansas City area some native to the Idaho area and a box full of fortune cookies!! We have decided to give the cookies out at every movie night until the box is done. It was a fun experiment and although it only went out to 3 other people, it’s good to have it back home. Who knows….maybe we’ll try it again on this site if there is a request for it

I hope everyone is enjoying my blog entries and they are useful for getting friends together to have a laugh. I do this because it reminds me of being at my uncle’s house watching these types of movies. Just remember that when you walk into a video store probably 80% of the store is crap so have some fun with it!!

So the bar has been set……again?  This site is dedicated to movies that are so bad they are great and in some cases just awesome fun flicks of all genres.  The bar for me was set back when I was introduced to The Room which obviously has heavy influence on this website.  That movie is a true masterpiece in the way of creating something so awful that it is maybe one of the greatest things put on film.  It is that bad it is good.  Well boys and girls sit your bottoms down and be shocked that something has been made that give The Room and run for its money.  That film is titled Birdemic: Shock and Terror.

Birdemic was directed by James Nguyen and you could say that it was partly inspired by The Birds which was directed by the great Hitchcock…..you could also say it’s partly inspired by that growth that you get on your feet when you get old and there is nothing you can do about.  Birdemic is a movie that is trying to teach us that if we don’t take care of mother earth that Al Gore will make you give him a massage and ask for a happy ending…..oh god it’s already happening!!!

I came across this gem a few months back when a list went out that talked about some of the worst movies ever made.  I saw that challenge and gladly accepted.  Now something to consider about this movie is that a crowd viewing party is required.  Again let me strongly advise against trying to watch this alone in any shape or form.  If viewed incorrectly could cause serious damage.

The movie starts with our hero Rod who scores a big sale in business which will make him rich.  It’s a good transaction of technology which he uses to turn a profit by selling another idea of science and technology and he scores even more money.  While he is talking with his buddy about how he wishes he could share his success and fortune with someone attractive and blonde and has the strength to fight off a bird attack….behold the run in with Nathalie.  Nathalie is a up and coming model who hopes to one day score a deal with Victoria Secret and holy shit if she doesn’t score a deal after one photo shoot. They meet by chance and it is a match made in heaven.

After a romantic dinner

The photo shoot that wins the eye of Victoria Secret!!

Does it sound like I’m dumbing down the story?  Well let me tell you that writing this blog has had more thought out dialog than the movie!!  What they don’t know is that humans are abusing mother earth and her wrath is about to take form in the shape of birds.
After a hot night of rolling around in a bed at what appears to be a Motel 6, the new successful couple wakes up to the horror of birds attacking the city!! The horror and the terror….and that is just the dialog and pacing thus far!!

The birds take no mercy on anyone when the shit hit the fan!!
In one of the scenes it is clear that this movie is full of win as tourists try to get off a bus and are killed by what I think was bird poop….I think? Our heroes use whatever they can find to fight off the birds. Only what is laying around will be their weapons to escape the horror!! Rocks, coat hangers, sticks and full automatic machine guns which were around the corner!!

Here are some awesome lines from the movie

“Hey, look! There’s an old guy on the bridge!”

“I hear a mountain lion! I gotta get back to my house and you better get to your car!”

“Where’s Becky?”, “She’s taking a shit. Nathalie is watching her back.”

“I can’t believe you are making me watch this!!  This shit better not carry on after we get married!!” – not said in the movie but said during the show

In the end Birdemic is something that you have to see to believe. It has already been called the “Best Worst Movie ever made”. After thinking about it and much debate I am going to keep the championship belt with The Room as “Best Worst Movie ever made” but this movie was a real close second. What made this movie special was all the crowd participation and MST3k type of feel among the group. Currently Birdemic is doing a nation wide screening tour that is playing at midnight at most stops. I do highly recommend seeing it if it comes through your town with as big of a group as possible. When it comes out on DVD you want to make sure your watching party is big and you already have a love for shitty movies.

Birdemic:Shock and Terror gets 4 out of 5 tuxedo footballs and a special Lisa recognition of excellence

So it has been some time since I have had an update but a lot has been going on…in a good way but not so great for the site.  Since the last post work has been hella busy.  At times I wish I could make watching shitty movies my job but alas.  Probably the biggest thing is the fact that I am engaged to a wonderful and beautiful woman.  We are super excited and working on planning for the big day.  With work as crazy as it has been we spend little time together but we are hoping things will slow down and the quest for movies as good at The Room will continue.

We did get to attend Texas Frightmare Weekend two weekends ago and has a blast.  Huge props to the Frightmare guys for putting on a world class show.  While we were there we did watch a midnight screening of The Uh-Oh Show which was a gore de force.

Well the piles are getting bigger here at mission control but the resolve is not complete.  Remember gang to post if you have suggestions for movies or something you’d like to show with the group.

In this review we will be looking at Jennifer’s Body and this review is by special guest Denise from Endangered Adobo

I had been looking forward to watching Jennifer’s Body but missed
seeing it in theaters. It looked like one of those guilty pleasure
movies, the ones you don’t openly admit to your friends that you want
to watch. You skulk around and go to the dollar theater by yourself on
a weekday afternoon and hate yourself a little for giving in while you
shove popcorn into your mouth. I am a sucker for horror movies
centered around high school though. Those years are horrifying and
miserable, and become the perfect setting for blood and guts.

The premise of the movie centers around two unlikely best friends,
Needy (Amanda Seyfried) and Jennifer (Megan Fox). Needy is geeky,
sweet and a little helpless while Jennifer is the bossy headstrong
cheerleader type. So everything is going dandy between them (“Sandbox
love never dies”) until Jennifer talks Needy out of date night with
her boyfriend to watch a band at a local teenage-friendly bar. You
catch all that? Adam Brody plays the lead singer of the band, a
douchebaggy, eyeyliner-wearing Rob Thomas type. Well, the bar somehow
catches on fire. Needy and Jennifer escape but Jennifer is whisked
away by the band in what looks to be a rape van. Needy is obviously
freaked out but later that night Jennifer shows up at her house,
bloody and crazy-looking and spewing black vomit all over her kitchen.
Gross. It turns out that the band had sacrificed Jennifer to Satan to
get a record deal, but Jennifer didn’t die. She turns into a demon
herself, a Succubus-type that kills off a few of the high school boys
that want to get into her pants. Needy realizes what has happened but
by then Jennifer has set her sights on killing Needy’s boyfriend. Who,
by the way, inexplicably sports a Beatles haircut.

Good points:
This movie might have been the only perfect role for Megan Fox so far.
She plays the standard-issue hot crazy bitch really convincingly and
it must have been a walk in the park for her to play this character.
It doesn’t seem like much of a stretch (although if she is reading
this, I’m sure Ms. Fox is a lovely young woman). Amanda Seyfried is
also great in this role and proves that she needs to be in more main
roles (and no, I don’t want to see Dear John). I was curious to see
how Diablo Cody would fare in this sophomore attempt but aside from a
bit of forced dialogue, I would say that the chatter wasn’t as
contrived or gimmicky as Juno’s was (a movie which I loved, by the
way, at least the first two times I watched it). There are some real
laugh-out-loud phrases that she coins, a few that made Josh choke on
his cinnamon roll. <<examples>>

Good points:
This movie might have been the only perfect role for Megan Fox so far.
She plays the standard-issue hot crazy bitch really convincingly and
it must have been a walk in the park for her to play this character.
It doesn’t seem like much of a stretch (although if she is reading
this, I’m sure Ms. Fox is a lovely young woman). Amanda Seyfried is
also great in this role and proves that she needs to be in more main
roles (and no, I don’t want to see Dear John). I was curious to see
how Diablo Cody would fare in this sophomore attempt but aside from a
bit of forced dialogue, I would say that the chatter wasn’t as
contrived or gimmicky as Juno’s was (a movie which I loved, by the
way, at least the first two times I watched it). There are some real
laugh-out-loud phrases that she coins, a few that made Josh choke on
his cinnamon roll. <<examples>>

Not-so-good points:
I have to say that although I enjoyed this movie for the most part,
there wasn’t really enough killing in this movie to be a typical
horror flick. Not counting the people that burned in the fire, I think
the body count was 4. As far as monster movies go, that’s pretty
humane. I also wouldn’t say that this is even a scary movie. I don’t
recall being startled once, except for Needy’s truly hideous prom
gown. WTF was that all about?!

Random observations:
When this movie first came out there was an interesting debate on
whether this was exploitative or feminist. They sure capitalized on
Megan Fox’s hawtness (an extra on the DVD is “Megan Fox is Hot,”
basically a spank reel, as Josh so eloquently put it). The slo-mo sexy
walk down the hall, the midriff-baring shirts, boy-short panties and
knee-high socks… yeah, they played all those cards. They beat you over
the head with it. I get it, she’s god’s gift to horny guys, I don’t
need to see her skinny dipping in a lake. But that aside, I thought
that her relationship with Needy was pretty complex and nuanced, at
least on Needy’s end. It is implied that Needy might have a crush on
Jennifer. There’s not a whole lot of indication that it is
reciprocated unless you count their make-out session, which actually
seemed more like a power play on Jennifer’s part. You won’t believe me
when I say this but it did seem like an important scene to show the
dynamic between the two of them. It was only exploitative in that it
was the marketing angle they chose to go with in the previews, but I
thought it fit into the story well. Besides, you need some kind of hot
girl action in any teenage horror flick, right? Alright, enough with
the Women Studies lecture.

Final notes:
This is a good movie to watch on a Saturday night with some friends
who know well enough not to take it too seriously. It’s a teenage
movie, Mean Girls meets Carrie, and you should go in expecting not
much else. For an almost-B-movie it also has really good production
value behind it. 4 out of 5 Tuxedo Footballs.

I grew up in the 80’s with ninja movies, horror flicks, cyborg movies and a vast world of these types of movies mixed together.  Near the late 80’s movie studios realized what they needed to do.  Their plan was to take these types of movies and put them all into one movie.  One of these movies that had this formula put to it was Road House.

So when I saw Road House 2 in the discount isle of Wal-Mart while picking up Valentine chocolates I couldn’t say no.  Could my childhood memories be full filled with this title.  Could this be as big as Temple of Doom or Empire Strikes Back….

Let’s review Road House 2

So based on the cover you think we will have a real tribute to the original Road House but sadly that would not be the case.  There is no “Double Duce” but instead the “Black Pelican” and instead of a blind guitar player we get a midget.  You will note the large breasted females on the cover that are somewhat of a trademark of Road House.  Much like if you go into a Arby’s you’ll expect to get the shits.  Well I’ll save you a little time because these two females show up during the opening credits and are not to be seen again.

The one thing I could not tell from the cover was who our hero for the next hour and a half was going to be.  Obviously it was NOT Mr. Swayze and the name Johnathon Schaech doesn’t mean much until I see the face that goes along with that name.  Whole crap would Mr. Tom Hanks be proud.  It is none other than Jimmy from the WONDERS!!

Things are really looking up with the cast is just filled with all-stars when Jake Buesy is introduced as our villain “Wild Bill”.  He is not as big of a player in the movie as we’d hope but his few moments are pretty good and you can pretty much think of his dad for riffing.

So as the movie goes you find out that our hero Shane Taner ( and as a note here: Yes I was thinking who the hell is this Shane Taner and how is he related to Dalton. Well according to the movie he is the son of Dalton but I almost refuse to believe that Dalton’s last name was Taner…Dalton Taner.  What a bunch of horse shit.  I don’t get it and refuse to recognize in a court a law that Taner is the last name. I was not at the screenwriting meetings so nothing could be done at the time but wish that ILM could have gone back and made a special edition of Road House 2 and removed all references of Taner and add the Death Star explosion) is a DEA agent in NYC and….well whatever he goes to Louisiana to run his uncles bar because his uncle runs into the wrong people in a city that has only 3 cops in it.  Seriously there are only 3 cops because they made note of that in the movie for you but also take note how large the “small town” is as the movies goes unfolds.  So yeah he fights dudes in a town cause his dad was a bad ass and he screws the small town hottie because she’s never felt the touch of a “city man” and blah blah blah.  There are little to no ties to Road House but there is plenty of material to riff on if you play your cards right.

A few things for you in the movie that make it great for riffing.  The first happens early and you can play it how you will but there is a DEA bust early and the stripper is undercover.  Ask yourself where the gun comes from and sound effects always help….

There are some great flashback moments similar to any Van Damme movie that he has ever made

This movie does have a few gems that I’d like to think of as Wiseau Moment.  I would define a Wiseau Moment as something that is almost shoehorned in so badly it has to be pointed out.  It is something that is almost over the top it’s just awesome.

One of these moments is what I’d like to think is one of the top 5 busting through a window moments in cinema history.  So Shane is out to put the plot together and captures one of the bad guys.  How does he do this you ask?  He uses a trash can lid and it is glorious.

Another great moment is during the boss fight at the end.  The fighting is a mix of some kind of martial art with street fighting and a bunch of nonsense.  There was NOT nearly enough fighting for a movie that has the name Road House in the title but the ending does make up for it just a little.  Again so much to riff on but one of the fighting moves is such a fail that I was amazed it made the final edit.

So overall Road House two was missing a lot of things like fighting and big boobs.  These are some of the corner stone elements of Road House.  There was more gun fights than anything else.  We didn’t get a real tough boss like Jackie Treehorn as Jake Buesy didn’t live up to the bill but it’s ok.  This movie was a real kick to the balls BUT I would recommend this for a possible double feature on a shitty movie night.  There is lots of gold but you’ll have to be on your A game to score on all of it but being that it was Valentines when we watched it I think you will be able to score lots of points with Road House 2.  Road House 2 gets 4 out of 5 tuxedo footballs.

Jigsaw is the movie we are looking at this time around.  Is it the origin story of the killer from the SAW movies, god I wish it was cause this terd could have used it.  Jigsaw was a flick I picked up at Movie Trading Company during their “sidewalk sale”.  So basically it was the shit they were hoping would get stolen if they put it in a box outside.

Jigsaw is a movie about a college school project gone wrong along with the plot.

So there is some kind of art class (honestly the don’t explain what kind of class or what the hell is going on but there are only 5 students in there and a bunch of gibberish on the chalkboard) and the “professor”.  His final project for the class is to take a piece of a mannequin and decorate it as they see fit and they will meet up and put it together….and that is it.  They are to use their feelings to decorate each piece like Luke going into the cave on Degoba.  Due to school being fumigated the class will meet up at a bar to have their final class.

So some how this project brings out the deep dark inner workings of these students, you know like the shot gun that Tawny (Amiee Bravo) was suppose to kill herself with as a promise to her sister who DID finish the job!!  Everyone has their sob story which just bores you to death but if you are having some adult beverages while watching you can probably do some good riffing once they show up at the bar…

Basically the professor guy is a perv and he has girls in his class he’d like to bang and douche guys wanting to bang them as well.  They end up in a redneck bar and everyone is horny…thus the fun times ensue.

OH YEAH and I totally forgot that the whole idea of the movie is this “Jigsaw” piece of art that somehow comes to life.  There really isn’t much explanation on why he comes to life and sadly he doesn’t show up in the movie animated until the 45 minute mark and sadly there isn’t nearly enough GORE!!

From first looks we really hoped for much more but Jigsaw fell pretty short for the most part but if you are looking for filler material you can use this for riffing but will require some funny friends on your end.  You have: Horny Professor, Tits McGee, Innocent Girl who falls for Horny Professor, Too Cool for School guy, Douche guy and single mom gun fautter….oh and Sneaky Pete!!

Sadly Jigsaw didn’t hold up as well as we hoped.  Jigsaw get 3 out of 5 tuxedo footballs

Well it was a snow day here in Texas as we saw the most snow in Dallas since the 70’s.  As the Winter Olympics will start tomorrow and everyone is out making snow men and stuff I would like to give to the festivities as well.

Let’s take a look at Dead Snow!!

Dead Snow will be out on DVD February 23.  I am not sure if this will be considered a “shitty movie” but it sure does look good!!

I have never seen the movie Supercross but I can safely say that after watching Motocross Zombies from Hell, Supercross would look like an Academy Award Winning Movie in comparison.  This is a classic example of a dvd cover and title LOOKING way better than what the content on the dvd would end up being.  ZombieNation took two shuffles back with this movie.

So our hero Cody works with friend Tom at some…um…job.  I say “some job” because that isn’t made very clear.  What is also not clear is when some girl shows up that turns out to be Cody’s girlfriend Lori.  After that I’m not sure what was happening.  The three went out for a weekend tournament and that was pretty much it…I’m not kidding.  Not much really happened.

There is a 5 minute food fight that really didn’t lead to much.  You’d even expect a little softcore porn or something to come out of this but we didn’t even get that!!

This movie reminded me of those times in high school when you were told you would have to write a report on something you didn’t want to really write about.  You use the formula to put your materials in but you are basically just spinning your wheels until it was done and this movie was exactly that.  I mean the so-called “Zombies”, which are just guys dressed up in motocross gear, don’t do anything in the movie until 45 minutes in and they ARE NOT ZOMBIES!!!  I mean this guy would show up every now and then…

They are apart of Team Skullz who is racing against Cody.  At the 55 minute mark a real zombie shows up and is shot by the gang.  The best part of the movie was the dialog of that scene “You shot that guy and killed him…..something is not right here”.  I did get a good laugh when what appeared to be a long lost uncle of mine showed up in the movie finally without his head gear and goggles.  I was hoping for a single tear but alas that was not to be, but look at this guy….I’m not sure if he even knows why he is dressed up this way or why he is around people with cameras!!

Sadly this movie just didn’t have much of what was on the cover including motocross.  You’d have to hate yourself to watch this and I couldn’t recommend watching this unless you were really high on something because adult beverages will not help any at all.  In the young history of this blog we will set the bar for the low and give Motocross Zombies from Hell a 0 out of 5 tuxedo footballs.

So there has been a little swing in the department of movie that make fun of bad movies.  There have been some really good ones such as Black Dynamite.  Recently I came across one from a friend at work.  When doing a little research on it I found out that one of the stars of Chupacabra Terror is in this movie.  Chelan Simmons is in Tucker & Dale vs. Evil along with our hero and yours, Mr. Alan Tudyk!!  I look forward to seeing this when it comes out.  Check out the trailer for Tucker & Dale vs. Evil!!