…just kidding

These two power houses were not in the same movie but we will review their movies anyway.  In this post we will examine the deep dark under belly of the Pelt business which turns out to be run by former rock legends and finally uncover the truth about the elusive chupacabra.

We will start with Pelts which is apart of the Masters of Horror series.  It is directed by the legendary Dario Argento who you might know from Suspira.  The movie stars Meat Loaf and John Saxon, who is really in the movie for about 10 minutes to I guess help with the plot.  The Master of Horror series is kinda like Tales from the Crypt but much more violent.

So honestly I am not sure if Meat Loaf knew he was in this movie as I am convinced they just filmed him between making records because Meat Loaf is a creepy guy.  Mr. Loaf is the owner of a company that makes Pelts from things like….well you know things that die and can be pelted or something.

When Mr. Loaf is not making Pelts he is trying to catch the eye of Scary Spice

He is given a tip about some sweet ass Pelts of the likes never seen in (insert city or town here).  Little does Meat know that these Pelts are cursed by raccoons that must have belong to Indians and were buried along side these Indians or somesuch….dude serious I don’t know what the fuck was happening.

This movie had a lot of promise based on key words like Meat Loaf, sadistic backwoods trapper, sexy stripper, Meat Loaf, cursed and Pelts but honestly it could have been better.  Now I will say if you can make it through it does build up to a pretty funny ending.  Now if you feel you are on your A Game then this is a great movie to riff on because seriously just think about everything Meat Loaf has done and you can find use for it in this movie.  If adult beverages are involved in your shitty movie then this could be acceptable.  There is a decent amount of bad looking gore which helps.  Sorry Mr. Loaf but Pelts gets a 2 out of 5 tuxedo footballs

For the second review we study the myth of the Chupacabra.  Now as a Mexican I can say that we don’t have many legends or myths like Bigfoot or Loch Ness so we hold the Chupacabra near and dear to our heart.  So when I found out that Gimbli would be starring in the made for television adaptation of the Mexican myth “Chupacabra Terror” I could have not been more proud…until about 5 minutes into this movie.

Chupacabra Terror is like Jurassic Park taking place on the Titanic with a special appearance of Charlie Sheen’s Navy SEALS and blown to high hell with come C4.  This is the story of a scientist who wants the wild animal for SCIENCE!!  I was not sure why they were hunting it in what appeared to be Cuba but whatever.  This precious cargo is place on the cruise ship of Captain Gimbli. There are many twists and turns from the very start……I’m kidding it’s pretty retarded.  After a fair amount of stock footage of a cruise ship that they are clearly are not on take note of the set that looks like a college dorm.

The plot thickens when it turns out Captain Gimbli’s daughter is on board along with the souls of many passengers and that is when the hilarious ensues!!  The acting is pretty stellar because you really feel like you are on a ship with a Chupacabra on board.

This probably isn’t the best for a shitty movie night but again if a fair amount of adult beverages are being served then this might be ok.  You’ll have to have some really witty friends to help riff this one.  It’s really too bad because there was so much potential for a movie with this title.  There are some moments like  this classic scene from Die Hard

At some point the Navy SEALS show up and pulls this movie together.  It turns out the cruise ship is like 5 miles from some kind of island that has Navy SEAL’s standing by so yeah….that happens.

Overall I was hoping for more but there are some classic lines that will draw a laugh or two but they are too far in between each other.  Again if you work hard you can use some Gimbli material but you’ll have to be on your A game.  Maybe one of the characters you can riff on the most is the daughter (played by Chelan Simmon) so find your stride early with her and work from there.  Another Chupacabra movie and another fail.  Chupacabra Terror gets a 2 out of 5 tuxedo footballs