In this review we will be looking at Jennifer’s Body and this review is by special guest Denise from Endangered Adobo

I had been looking forward to watching Jennifer’s Body but missed
seeing it in theaters. It looked like one of those guilty pleasure
movies, the ones you don’t openly admit to your friends that you want
to watch. You skulk around and go to the dollar theater by yourself on
a weekday afternoon and hate yourself a little for giving in while you
shove popcorn into your mouth. I am a sucker for horror movies
centered around high school though. Those years are horrifying and
miserable, and become the perfect setting for blood and guts.

The premise of the movie centers around two unlikely best friends,
Needy (Amanda Seyfried) and Jennifer (Megan Fox). Needy is geeky,
sweet and a little helpless while Jennifer is the bossy headstrong
cheerleader type. So everything is going dandy between them (“Sandbox
love never dies”) until Jennifer talks Needy out of date night with
her boyfriend to watch a band at a local teenage-friendly bar. You
catch all that? Adam Brody plays the lead singer of the band, a
douchebaggy, eyeyliner-wearing Rob Thomas type. Well, the bar somehow
catches on fire. Needy and Jennifer escape but Jennifer is whisked
away by the band in what looks to be a rape van. Needy is obviously
freaked out but later that night Jennifer shows up at her house,
bloody and crazy-looking and spewing black vomit all over her kitchen.
Gross. It turns out that the band had sacrificed Jennifer to Satan to
get a record deal, but Jennifer didn’t die. She turns into a demon
herself, a Succubus-type that kills off a few of the high school boys
that want to get into her pants. Needy realizes what has happened but
by then Jennifer has set her sights on killing Needy’s boyfriend. Who,
by the way, inexplicably sports a Beatles haircut.

Good points:
This movie might have been the only perfect role for Megan Fox so far.
She plays the standard-issue hot crazy bitch really convincingly and
it must have been a walk in the park for her to play this character.
It doesn’t seem like much of a stretch (although if she is reading
this, I’m sure Ms. Fox is a lovely young woman). Amanda Seyfried is
also great in this role and proves that she needs to be in more main
roles (and no, I don’t want to see Dear John). I was curious to see
how Diablo Cody would fare in this sophomore attempt but aside from a
bit of forced dialogue, I would say that the chatter wasn’t as
contrived or gimmicky as Juno’s was (a movie which I loved, by the
way, at least the first two times I watched it). There are some real
laugh-out-loud phrases that she coins, a few that made Josh choke on
his cinnamon roll. <<examples>>

Good points:
This movie might have been the only perfect role for Megan Fox so far.
She plays the standard-issue hot crazy bitch really convincingly and
it must have been a walk in the park for her to play this character.
It doesn’t seem like much of a stretch (although if she is reading
this, I’m sure Ms. Fox is a lovely young woman). Amanda Seyfried is
also great in this role and proves that she needs to be in more main
roles (and no, I don’t want to see Dear John). I was curious to see
how Diablo Cody would fare in this sophomore attempt but aside from a
bit of forced dialogue, I would say that the chatter wasn’t as
contrived or gimmicky as Juno’s was (a movie which I loved, by the
way, at least the first two times I watched it). There are some real
laugh-out-loud phrases that she coins, a few that made Josh choke on
his cinnamon roll. <<examples>>

Not-so-good points:
I have to say that although I enjoyed this movie for the most part,
there wasn’t really enough killing in this movie to be a typical
horror flick. Not counting the people that burned in the fire, I think
the body count was 4. As far as monster movies go, that’s pretty
humane. I also wouldn’t say that this is even a scary movie. I don’t
recall being startled once, except for Needy’s truly hideous prom
gown. WTF was that all about?!

Random observations:
When this movie first came out there was an interesting debate on
whether this was exploitative or feminist. They sure capitalized on
Megan Fox’s hawtness (an extra on the DVD is “Megan Fox is Hot,”
basically a spank reel, as Josh so eloquently put it). The slo-mo sexy
walk down the hall, the midriff-baring shirts, boy-short panties and
knee-high socks… yeah, they played all those cards. They beat you over
the head with it. I get it, she’s god’s gift to horny guys, I don’t
need to see her skinny dipping in a lake. But that aside, I thought
that her relationship with Needy was pretty complex and nuanced, at
least on Needy’s end. It is implied that Needy might have a crush on
Jennifer. There’s not a whole lot of indication that it is
reciprocated unless you count their make-out session, which actually
seemed more like a power play on Jennifer’s part. You won’t believe me
when I say this but it did seem like an important scene to show the
dynamic between the two of them. It was only exploitative in that it
was the marketing angle they chose to go with in the previews, but I
thought it fit into the story well. Besides, you need some kind of hot
girl action in any teenage horror flick, right? Alright, enough with
the Women Studies lecture.

Final notes:
This is a good movie to watch on a Saturday night with some friends
who know well enough not to take it too seriously. It’s a teenage
movie, Mean Girls meets Carrie, and you should go in expecting not
much else. For an almost-B-movie it also has really good production
value behind it. 4 out of 5 Tuxedo Footballs.

I grew up in the 80’s with ninja movies, horror flicks, cyborg movies and a vast world of these types of movies mixed together.  Near the late 80’s movie studios realized what they needed to do.  Their plan was to take these types of movies and put them all into one movie.  One of these movies that had this formula put to it was Road House.

So when I saw Road House 2 in the discount isle of Wal-Mart while picking up Valentine chocolates I couldn’t say no.  Could my childhood memories be full filled with this title.  Could this be as big as Temple of Doom or Empire Strikes Back….

Let’s review Road House 2

So based on the cover you think we will have a real tribute to the original Road House but sadly that would not be the case.  There is no “Double Duce” but instead the “Black Pelican” and instead of a blind guitar player we get a midget.  You will note the large breasted females on the cover that are somewhat of a trademark of Road House.  Much like if you go into a Arby’s you’ll expect to get the shits.  Well I’ll save you a little time because these two females show up during the opening credits and are not to be seen again.

The one thing I could not tell from the cover was who our hero for the next hour and a half was going to be.  Obviously it was NOT Mr. Swayze and the name Johnathon Schaech doesn’t mean much until I see the face that goes along with that name.  Whole crap would Mr. Tom Hanks be proud.  It is none other than Jimmy from the WONDERS!!

Things are really looking up with the cast is just filled with all-stars when Jake Buesy is introduced as our villain “Wild Bill”.  He is not as big of a player in the movie as we’d hope but his few moments are pretty good and you can pretty much think of his dad for riffing.

So as the movie goes you find out that our hero Shane Taner ( and as a note here: Yes I was thinking who the hell is this Shane Taner and how is he related to Dalton. Well according to the movie he is the son of Dalton but I almost refuse to believe that Dalton’s last name was Taner…Dalton Taner.  What a bunch of horse shit.  I don’t get it and refuse to recognize in a court a law that Taner is the last name. I was not at the screenwriting meetings so nothing could be done at the time but wish that ILM could have gone back and made a special edition of Road House 2 and removed all references of Taner and add the Death Star explosion) is a DEA agent in NYC and….well whatever he goes to Louisiana to run his uncles bar because his uncle runs into the wrong people in a city that has only 3 cops in it.  Seriously there are only 3 cops because they made note of that in the movie for you but also take note how large the “small town” is as the movies goes unfolds.  So yeah he fights dudes in a town cause his dad was a bad ass and he screws the small town hottie because she’s never felt the touch of a “city man” and blah blah blah.  There are little to no ties to Road House but there is plenty of material to riff on if you play your cards right.

A few things for you in the movie that make it great for riffing.  The first happens early and you can play it how you will but there is a DEA bust early and the stripper is undercover.  Ask yourself where the gun comes from and sound effects always help….

There are some great flashback moments similar to any Van Damme movie that he has ever made

This movie does have a few gems that I’d like to think of as Wiseau Moment.  I would define a Wiseau Moment as something that is almost shoehorned in so badly it has to be pointed out.  It is something that is almost over the top it’s just awesome.

One of these moments is what I’d like to think is one of the top 5 busting through a window moments in cinema history.  So Shane is out to put the plot together and captures one of the bad guys.  How does he do this you ask?  He uses a trash can lid and it is glorious.

Another great moment is during the boss fight at the end.  The fighting is a mix of some kind of martial art with street fighting and a bunch of nonsense.  There was NOT nearly enough fighting for a movie that has the name Road House in the title but the ending does make up for it just a little.  Again so much to riff on but one of the fighting moves is such a fail that I was amazed it made the final edit.

So overall Road House two was missing a lot of things like fighting and big boobs.  These are some of the corner stone elements of Road House.  There was more gun fights than anything else.  We didn’t get a real tough boss like Jackie Treehorn as Jake Buesy didn’t live up to the bill but it’s ok.  This movie was a real kick to the balls BUT I would recommend this for a possible double feature on a shitty movie night.  There is lots of gold but you’ll have to be on your A game to score on all of it but being that it was Valentines when we watched it I think you will be able to score lots of points with Road House 2.  Road House 2 gets 4 out of 5 tuxedo footballs.

Jigsaw is the movie we are looking at this time around.  Is it the origin story of the killer from the SAW movies, god I wish it was cause this terd could have used it.  Jigsaw was a flick I picked up at Movie Trading Company during their “sidewalk sale”.  So basically it was the shit they were hoping would get stolen if they put it in a box outside.

Jigsaw is a movie about a college school project gone wrong along with the plot.

So there is some kind of art class (honestly the don’t explain what kind of class or what the hell is going on but there are only 5 students in there and a bunch of gibberish on the chalkboard) and the “professor”.  His final project for the class is to take a piece of a mannequin and decorate it as they see fit and they will meet up and put it together….and that is it.  They are to use their feelings to decorate each piece like Luke going into the cave on Degoba.  Due to school being fumigated the class will meet up at a bar to have their final class.

So some how this project brings out the deep dark inner workings of these students, you know like the shot gun that Tawny (Amiee Bravo) was suppose to kill herself with as a promise to her sister who DID finish the job!!  Everyone has their sob story which just bores you to death but if you are having some adult beverages while watching you can probably do some good riffing once they show up at the bar…

Basically the professor guy is a perv and he has girls in his class he’d like to bang and douche guys wanting to bang them as well.  They end up in a redneck bar and everyone is horny…thus the fun times ensue.

OH YEAH and I totally forgot that the whole idea of the movie is this “Jigsaw” piece of art that somehow comes to life.  There really isn’t much explanation on why he comes to life and sadly he doesn’t show up in the movie animated until the 45 minute mark and sadly there isn’t nearly enough GORE!!

From first looks we really hoped for much more but Jigsaw fell pretty short for the most part but if you are looking for filler material you can use this for riffing but will require some funny friends on your end.  You have: Horny Professor, Tits McGee, Innocent Girl who falls for Horny Professor, Too Cool for School guy, Douche guy and single mom gun fautter….oh and Sneaky Pete!!

Sadly Jigsaw didn’t hold up as well as we hoped.  Jigsaw get 3 out of 5 tuxedo footballs

Well it was a snow day here in Texas as we saw the most snow in Dallas since the 70’s.  As the Winter Olympics will start tomorrow and everyone is out making snow men and stuff I would like to give to the festivities as well.

Let’s take a look at Dead Snow!!

Dead Snow will be out on DVD February 23.  I am not sure if this will be considered a “shitty movie” but it sure does look good!!

I have never seen the movie Supercross but I can safely say that after watching Motocross Zombies from Hell, Supercross would look like an Academy Award Winning Movie in comparison.  This is a classic example of a dvd cover and title LOOKING way better than what the content on the dvd would end up being.  ZombieNation took two shuffles back with this movie.

So our hero Cody works with friend Tom at some…um…job.  I say “some job” because that isn’t made very clear.  What is also not clear is when some girl shows up that turns out to be Cody’s girlfriend Lori.  After that I’m not sure what was happening.  The three went out for a weekend tournament and that was pretty much it…I’m not kidding.  Not much really happened.

There is a 5 minute food fight that really didn’t lead to much.  You’d even expect a little softcore porn or something to come out of this but we didn’t even get that!!

This movie reminded me of those times in high school when you were told you would have to write a report on something you didn’t want to really write about.  You use the formula to put your materials in but you are basically just spinning your wheels until it was done and this movie was exactly that.  I mean the so-called “Zombies”, which are just guys dressed up in motocross gear, don’t do anything in the movie until 45 minutes in and they ARE NOT ZOMBIES!!!  I mean this guy would show up every now and then…

They are apart of Team Skullz who is racing against Cody.  At the 55 minute mark a real zombie shows up and is shot by the gang.  The best part of the movie was the dialog of that scene “You shot that guy and killed him…..something is not right here”.  I did get a good laugh when what appeared to be a long lost uncle of mine showed up in the movie finally without his head gear and goggles.  I was hoping for a single tear but alas that was not to be, but look at this guy….I’m not sure if he even knows why he is dressed up this way or why he is around people with cameras!!

Sadly this movie just didn’t have much of what was on the cover including motocross.  You’d have to hate yourself to watch this and I couldn’t recommend watching this unless you were really high on something because adult beverages will not help any at all.  In the young history of this blog we will set the bar for the low and give Motocross Zombies from Hell a 0 out of 5 tuxedo footballs.

So there has been a little swing in the department of movie that make fun of bad movies.  There have been some really good ones such as Black Dynamite.  Recently I came across one from a friend at work.  When doing a little research on it I found out that one of the stars of Chupacabra Terror is in this movie.  Chelan Simmons is in Tucker & Dale vs. Evil along with our hero and yours, Mr. Alan Tudyk!!  I look forward to seeing this when it comes out.  Check out the trailer for Tucker & Dale vs. Evil!!